Monday, January 30, 2012
Separate from Reality
This morning I woke up in fear. I was having heart palpitations and my thoughts were only negative and of fear. I woke up at 5:30am, before the alarm at 6:00am, and decided to try to fall back asleep. I must have managed to fall back asleep, but I only had dreams/thoughts of everything I didn't get done this weekend and all of our bills that need to be paid. I hadn't been able to pay them because of the debit card I lost about a week ago. All of this is worthy of stress, but the anxiety and the fear is what is killing me. I expressed my fear and confusion to my husband this morning, and he said to me that how I was feeling and the thoughts I was having are separate from reality. Saturday, I was feeling low, so the boys and I did some crafts, picked up a bit, and watch movies all day. Sunday we had an awesome day as a family at the beach. Now Monday hits, and I am overwhelmed with all the stuff I didn't do this weekend. I am writing about this because I know other people are afraid to talk about it. I know I have a hard time talking about my anxiety or my problems in general with other people. I am usually the one people come to when they need help or someone to talk to. I have this idea that they don't need to hear my stuff because I need to be with it for them. People look at me and see happy, easy going, put together. I feel guilty letting people see or know of my anxiety. I am a woman of God, and I feel that I need to be happy for everyone as to not bring them down or give them a different image of me other than the one they have. My husband is right. My anxiety creates a world separate from reality and separate from God. This in me, being honest and mask-free. I am hoping that it is freeing to me, and also freeing to others who may experience anxiety like I do. My life is beautiful. Full of love, family, fun and God. I do have many days of happiness; I am not always down to low or up to high. I want be to be free of this made up world of worry, anger, and not good enoughs and come back to what's real. Waking up in fear has to stop.
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Oh Melissa, you are not alone in this - I had a chance to stop working back in August when we bought the neatest old house in Fowler - I was so excited about the opportunity to stay home and get my purse making business started that I have wanted to do for years. About a month after we got moved, I went up to Michigan for six weeks to take care of my mom because she had had a mild heart attack and wasn't doing well. I came back right before Halloween, and spent the next month, pretty much paralyzed on my couch, full of worry and anxiety about my mom who continued to do worse. I felt guilty for having come home for a while, but I had to take care of some medical issues I was having, but I couldn't do anything but be on the phone every day talking to my sister, my mother, her caregivers. I knew I should be staying busy doing things around here because I still had unpacked boxes to attend to, and a sewing room to set up. I did NOTHING. NOvember 18 I rushed back to Michigan to b e with my mom and she died on November 20, just ten days before the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. Ever since I came back home, I haven't done anything. I see so much that needs to be done, and thankfully my husband is supportive, though I know he wishes I would get up and start doing something. . I am a strong Christian, too, yet I haven't been to church because I haven't wanted to be around people. I know there is some depression there because I miss my mom so much (and my dad), and because I was adopted when I was three months old, it feels like I am lost now. I am not happy with the way I am acting, and am actually ashamed of it, because I know that is not what God wants me to do. I pray alot and I need to pray more, I guess, and then make myself get up and get busy. I hope you can get some resolution to your situation, too - I will keep you in my prayers! Annette
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