Just Doin' My Job

Today is a really tired day.  A week of hosting family, a three day weekend for the boys, and a sinus infection trying to take over mixed with, duh duh duhn, the tumor can really zap my energy.  I always feel guilty when I don't get my work done around the house.  This is my job.  I'm sure if I had a real boss over me right now, I'd be fired.  My oldest son, Cain, totally gets me.  Yesterday, during chore time, he finished what I had asked him to do and then kept going.  Straightening the living, giving his brothers jobs, vacuuming, and straightening the guest room.  I told him how awesome is was that he was doing that and thanked him verbally and with extra allowance.  He said something like, "What Mom?  Just doin' my job.  I just want to make you happy.  I know you haven't been feeling well because of your hurt ear, so I didn't want to you be like, 'Oh, I'm so tired, and can't do everything in this house that needs to be done.' I just want you to be happy." I told him how much it means to me, which is a whole lot.  He totally gets me. He will make some special (mother approved) lady very happy someday.

Ear News

Aw hello!  I see you have chosen to read about my day;)  Well thank you for your care and concern in me.  Thank you for caring enough to read my thoughts.  Yea, this might get long.  I'm sitting here right now trying to decide if I should fold the laundry while watching a movie or just lay down and watch a movie.  The bug has been through all of The Boys (except Andrew), and I think it may have found a home in my tummy.  I'm just feeling a little icky.  It's funny to me that I (and many other moms, I'm sure) rarely feel like I have accomplished enough to warrant sitting down.  I do have some business to take care of though.  I'm going to look up an ear doctor to whom my ENT doctor is referring me.  After reviewing my CAT scan with him this morning, it seems that he thinks the job may be too big for him.   He has suggested that I get a second opinion and possibly have my surgery done elsewhere (like six hours away kind of elewhere.)  During my last appointment with him (pre CAT scan) , he said he would love to be the one to perform my surgery. (?)  How shall I interpret this?  Anyhow, it looks as though my ear has been taken over by this tumor.  He say the surgery will be like open heart surgery for the ear.  In the area where the surgery is required there is located my carotid artery, my facial nerves, and the bone or tissue essential for balance.  The consequences involved in accidentally hitting these areas scares me. As for my ear, they will have to remove my malleus and my incus, two of the three bones essential for hearing.  :(  Growing up, I always had ear infections, so I was in and out of the ENT doctor's office and having ear tube surgery.  I remember asking my doctor one day if I was going to be deaf when I grow up.  I'm glad he told me then that there would be a possibility of that.  I think I would be a little more devastated right now if he hadn't.  He was a really cool doctor and very good with kids.  He had a tarantual in his office:) I also remember asking him (I was young, mind you) if I would have to park in the handicap spots at the store.
Well, thank you for listening (reading).  I think I have decided to just watch a movie with no laundry folding. If any of you know of anyone who has experienced Cholesteatoma, could you fill me in on any stories from them?
Blessings.

Separate from Reality

This morning I woke up in fear.  I was having heart palpitations and my thoughts were only negative and of fear.  I woke up at 5:30am, before the alarm at 6:00am, and decided to try to fall back asleep.  I must have managed to  fall back asleep, but I only had dreams/thoughts of everything I didn't get done this weekend and all of our bills that need to be paid.  I hadn't been able to pay them because of the debit card I lost about a week ago.  All of this is worthy of stress, but the anxiety and the fear is what is killing me.  I expressed my fear and confusion to my husband this morning, and he said to me that how I was feeling and the thoughts I was having are separate from reality.  Saturday, I was feeling low, so the boys and I did some crafts, picked up a bit, and watch movies all day.  Sunday we had an awesome day as a family at the beach.  Now Monday hits, and I am overwhelmed with all the stuff I didn't do this weekend.  I am writing about this because I know other people are afraid to talk about it.  I know I have a hard time talking about my anxiety or my problems in general with other people.  I am usually the one people come to when they need help or someone to talk to.  I have this idea that they don't need to hear my stuff because I need to be with it for them.  People look at me and see happy, easy going, put together.  I feel guilty letting people see or know of my anxiety.  I am a woman of God, and I feel that I need to be happy for everyone as to not bring them down or give them a different image of me other than the one they have.  My husband is right.  My anxiety creates a world separate from reality and separate from God.  This in me, being honest and mask-free.  I am hoping that it is freeing to me, and also freeing to others who may experience anxiety like I do.  My life is beautiful.  Full of love, family, fun and God.  I do have many days of happiness; I am not always down to low or up to high. I want be to be free of this made up world of worry, anger, and not good enoughs and come back to what's real. Waking up in fear has to stop.

Look a Squirrel!

Have you ever found yourself in the beginning or right smack dab in the middle of a tantrum with one of your kids?  Oh, well neither have I, but I have a really good idea for those that have had this experience. By the way, I have been in this position.  While your child is whimpering or whining because he has experienced something undesirable, observe your surroundings.  Are there any lizards or squirrels around? Can  you see the moon in the middle of the sunny day?  Is there a piece of chewed up gum on the ground? Find something to look at and make a big deal out of it.  Say, "Oh look! A squirrel is jumping from that tree to the other tree." Or, "Ew, look at that gum that someone has spit out onto the ground."  Chances are, your child will engage in a conversation with you about what you have just pointed out. Sometimes, it's better to redirect or change the subject in a situation rather than saying no or stop.  Try it out for yourself.  Let me know how it goes.

Identity Misplaced

         I am a very anxiety ridden woman.  I worry about things that maybe many people don't even know exist. Worry really does waste so much time.  Sometimes my anxiety doesn't allow me to start tasks because I'm afraid I can't finish it.  I hate unfinished projects, so I have a several unstarted projects. Instead, that time is wasted by worrying and other time consuming busy work.  This part of my anxiety is just that,  a part of my anxiety that is entangled throughout most areas of my life.  Over the past several weeks, I have been acknowledging my anxiety a little more.  I want to bring attention to this horrendous struggle, so that God will heal me and I can be free of fear. I learned a great lesson today about trust.
         It all started a few days ago when I realized I didn't have my Driver's License (DL.) The worry began, but I wasn't too upset, yet.  The day before was a nice Florida cold winter day, so I was wearing a warm trench coat.  I have a pocket belt that I usually wear on a daily basis as my Mom Purse that was too bulking to wear with this coat.  I noticed that my trench had pockets, so I put my DL and my debit card in my pocket.  Ordinarily, this is something I just don't do.  I'm always so afraid that I will loose my DL and money, but for some reason I was feeling a little daring that day.  So, off to the store I went with my loose cards in the pocket of my warm winter trench coat on the nice Florida cold winter day.  During my outing, I used my DL and cash, never to touch my debit card.  After returning home, I put the groceries and things away and hung my coat up to finally sit down to relax.
          The next morning, I was back to wearing my pocket belt, so I grabbed my debit card from the pocket of my coat and put it in the money slot of my belt. At this point it has not even occurred to me that my DL was missing.  I went on about my day because I had no use for my DL and still hadn't noticed it was gone.  That evening, I stopped to get a bottle of wine on my way home and found that I couldn't find my DL.  I was very frustrated, but just assumed it was still in my coat pocket.  I had a line all planned out to say to the cashier, as there was a sign on the door that said "WE ID 30 AND UNDER." I went in, walked to the wine section, and came up to the front feeling like an 17 year old trying to buy alcohol.  As I walked up to the cashier and placed the wine on the counter, the lady says, "Yes ma'am, is this it?"  "Yes," I said as I paid with my debit card.  Awh, what a relief, I had no reason to tell her my cheesy line.  On the other hand, I was kind of sad because she just assumed I was 30 or older.  Now, on home to share my story with my husband.  Still the real worry hadn't set in about not having my DL in my possession.
           The next morning was so frustrating because not only was my DL still missing, but now my debit card was missing.  I must not have put it back into my pocket belt the previous night.  Now, my anxiety has taken over.  I was no longer able to think about anything but my DL and debit card.  I looked for those cards for the next hour and intermittently throughout the day.  I kept checking the same places and sometimes new places I hadn't looked (and never spend time near.)  I called every place I had been in the past few days.  No luck.  Crying, I called my cousin, and she explained to me that I was worrying over something I can not control.  I knew this and I completely understand that my worries and anxiety are unreasonable most of the time.  I just have a hard time capturing my thoughts before they get away from me.  So, my anxiety lessened after speaking with her, and I went about the rest of my day (mostly) not thinking about the cards.
          Yet another morning later, I get up to worry a little about the cards and get some house work done along with some errands.  On my way home from spending money to replace my missing DL, I find in my mail  none other than my DRIVER'S LICENSE.  Someone had found it, and mailed it to me.  What a blessing.  I spent all that time and energy worrying when I was covered the whole time.  All of this worry and anxiety is not what God wants for me.
           The thing is, through my anxiety my true identity is also misplaced.  My identity should be found in our Lord who has me covered.  The lesson I have learned through this is that time is not ours and we just need to trust that we will be covered.  My anxiety truly is an issue I can not handle on my own, and I know God will continue to send me people and show me things that tell me that he's got me.  I am thankful for this  happening to me.  It is an experience I can hold on to and refer to in times of future worry.  He's got me.

Spur of the Moment, Happy Mistake Made From Scratch

I was really in the mood to make some cookies yesterday.  As this is the year of minimal candy, I have to treat myself to some deliciousness in other ways.  As a side note, I did sneak some candy in, already this month.  I was completely candy-free for the first five days this year, but nature calls.  Also, milkshakes with Snickers in it don't really count as candy. But, back to making cookies... I had gathered all of my ingredients (listed at the end) and started adding, mixing, stirring, and cracking eggs.  The first egg I cracked was solid; I thought, 'Could it be frozen?' The next egg was also solid, so I finally came to the conclusion the the eggs were ~hard-boiled~.  I threw the eggs away, because I didn't remember boiling any eggs for at least a month.  Apparently, my husband had boiled them the previous night for the boys to eat the next day.  Oops. Without the eggs, I had to improvise because I had already started mixing the ingredients.  I was really hoping for a tasty snack, so I wouldn't be forced to resort to, eh ehm, candy. Well the finished product turned out great.  I baked the mix as cookie bars, because I think it last longer that way.  It does not have so much of a cookie consistency, but still really good. It is more like a cross between cookie and cake.  Try it and see!

Spur of the Moment-Gluten Free, Egg-less, Pumpkin, Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars
Ingredients: 
3/4 cup of butter
1 cup brown sugar
4 teas. vanilla
2 1/2 cups rice flour
1 1/2 cups gluten free oatmeal
1 teas. baking powder
1 can pumpkin puree
Sprinkle of cinnamon 
1 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 300*
Spray one large cookie sheet
Mix butter and brown sugar with hand mixer
Mix in the vanilla
Mix in the rest of the ingredients

Scrape all of the batter onto the large cookie sheet and bake as cookie bars for best results.
Bake for 30 to 40 minutes until fork comes clean. 

Let it cool for a bit before you eat it. This will allow the cooking to complete.

Dryer Lint

Growing up, I was a pretty helpful kid.  I knew my chores, and I did them.  We were taught to be tidy, clean up after ourselves, and to do regular maintenance and upkeep on our homes.  I remember when I was starting out with the schooling of house keeping with my dad. My dad used to (and still does) walk around the house and pick up lint off of the carpet. He required a certain level of tidiness, and would appreciate my help as long as I didn't get in the way or make a mess trying to clean up.  The dryer lint catcher was something my dad never let me touch as a young girl.  How big of a mess could I have possibly made cleaning this thing out?  I do it now, nearly everyday, and I see no way in which I could have caused a mess in the laundry room big enough to cause fear in my dad.  This forbidden act of dryer lint cleaning haunted my dreams for years.

I used to have a reoccurring dream that my family (at the time me, my sister, mom and dad) were driving in the car for a while, and we ended the drive in a car accident.  All of us were ejected out of the car, so we all had to walk around the neighborhood to find each other.  I was soon reunited with my sister and mom, but we still couldn't find my dad.  Walking around a corner, I found a baby in the rain gutter guard. It was my dad.  I went over to him crying, "Dad!" I picked him up, and called for my mom and sister.  When they came to me my baby dad had dissolved into a big ball dryer lint.  He started to blow away in the wind, and I began panicking, chasing after the lint.  I kept running, and soon found myself running in a field of tall wheat-like grass.  At that point in the dream, I always woke up, crying.  It was a sad dream.

It is so interesting how our brains work in creating dreams.

Gliding Toward Different

Along with not eating as much c-a-n-d-y this year, I am also going to (try to) put an effort toward writing.  I'd like to redevelop my writing skills for possible, future writing adventures. My oldest is in Kindergarten, and my younger twins will be starting pre-Kindergarten this month.  With the extra time I'll have, I am hoping to be able to volunteer more in The Boys' classrooms, keep a tidier house, write, and focus my marriage relationship. So, as minimal as this writing is, it is the first among a hopeful many more to come.